Psychological Advice

>Hello.....My name is Harold James Patrick, and am a current resident of >Grove, Oklahoma. Throughout my life, since I was a little boy, I have shown >an interest in alien abduction and also a big aversion to them as well (if >that makes sense). Now, for a long time I couldn't figure out what this >meant until I was introduced to what they call a grey in some show >somewhere. I believe so anyway. It was about this time I had weird dreams >of being chased too, me and my little brother Ned. I also remember having a >very big fear of my clset in my room. In fact, it got so bad, that I was >afraid to get dressed in my room and had to do it on the balcony of the >stairs outside my room. After a while I became used to the closet though I >became a lot more tense after I adjusted. I had fits of anger and talked >continously of killing myself and said I was insane. After a while, I >became okay once more after I moved away to Tennessee. There, I slowy >became less emotional, yet more paranoid, but only a little. It was about >this time I connected with the info superhighway and soon found myself in >their UFO forum. Soon, I found a test that psychoanalyst people give >abductees and found many things in common with me...such as the closet, my >fits of anger, wanting to kill myself, etc. Still, I wasn't sure (or ready >to accept) that I was abducted. So I made up a lie and said that I had been >abducted eight times and provided a story to each, even though I do not >recall being abducted. The general reaction was either I was looney or >could be sold out. I didn't like either. So, for a long time afterwards, I >shut my mouth, and soon I was living fine, but still on the brink of just >want to break down. After I moved from TN back to OK, I became more jumpy >and cautious. Then the dreams came. The dreams were odd: I was walking in a >jungle like place, when I would see light. I would fall off the edge of a >small cliff (about four feet high) and, upon hitting the ground, see a body >of what appears to be a mangled ape or chimp. Then I woke up. Later, I >think the flash of light is a alien or UFO, but probably an alien. Right >now, I haven't had any dreams, but I still feel edgy. I thought it was >about time I told some people out there this, and maybe they would >understand. I hope some of you will. >Also, I still of an interest in alien abduction. If any of you know someone >or have been abdcuted yourself, I would like it very much if you would >e-mail me at a detailed description of your abduction >and what is happening to you now. Thank you very much.

>Signed, >Harry

Dear Harold,

A complete cure of all of your (very typical) symptoms cannot be guaranteed of course, but we here at Abductees Anonymous have had most encouraging results with a procedure developed at the ICEKNIFE Research Institute of the Paranormal. We find that many of our patients are unable to remember or unwilling to discuss their (usually very pertinent) early childhood neglect/ deprivation experiences without undergoing the therapy, which of course renders it almost impossible to effect a cure.
Do you own a large, shaggy rug that you do not need? If not, do your best to acquire one cheaply from a friend or junkshop. You will also need two (2) rubber nipples from a baby's bottle - these can be cheaply picked up (no bottle needed) from a drugstore. You will also require some epoxy glue, some twine - thirty (30) feet or so should be sufficient - and a pair of sturdy scissors. You neglected to mention whether or not you live in the city - if so, you will possibly need to commute to an area where large rocks and/or tree-stumps can be found. Sometimes one can find them in parks, or at the private home of a wealthy friend (should you have one).
The procedure is very simple indeed. First, using the sturdy scissors, cut two (2) small holes in the shaggy rug, large enough to admit passage of the rubber nipple, yet small enough so that the base of the nipple cannot pass through. These holes should be exactly twelve (12) inches apart, center-to-center. Second, push the nipples through, and doub the nipple-base side of the rug liberally with the epoxy glue. Drape the rug over the suitably-sized boulder or tree-stump that you have found, nipple-base INWARD. Secure with the twine, and wait thirty (30) minutes for the glue to thoroughly set. Undo the twine (you may dispense with it at this point), and give the thing a hug. Give it another. Go on - one more. And another. Think warm thoughts. Think love and happiness. Hug it again. Keep doing this until you feel better.
You may now contact Abductees Anonymous (look in the phonebook) for further therapy at only seventy (70) dollars an hour. We cannot, regrettably, absolutely guarantee a cure, but our success rate has, as I have mentioned, been very encouraging to date.

Cordially yours,

K. Bavianus Kransburger
Secretary, Abductees Anonymous
Africa Division